'Truly Yours'

This is about you and your feelings. Those feelings that you always found very hard to explain. You have always been an emotional child. You always pretended to be strong. But your heart was always weak. You cried alone sometimes when you saw others in pain. You could not see tears in anyone’s eyes. You loved your family a lot. But you could not express or say a few words to your mom & dad. You always feared that you would cry in front of them. You would rather crack jokes that would make them laugh. You would sing, you'd dance. But never would you say you loved them.

You loved your grandmother too. Often, she would come to live with you all. She used to sing songs. One of her favorites was “ichak dana, bichak dana, daane upar dana ichak dana ichak dana.” You, your brother, your sister always used to like it. She used to give you all massages with coconut oil. She made mouth watering pickles. Sang you lullabies, had told stories when you were a kid. She was very nice. But you were always so rude to her that you made her cry once by saying something, you shouted at her. Your sister told you this, and you too cried later, but you could not muster the courage to say sorry to her. You knew she was an old lady. She couldn’t walk properly. But you have never really helped her coz that would bring tears in your eyes. You promised yourself that you would not cry. But you couldn’t really help your tendency.You called your self ‘bloody weak’ at times. You never found an answer to your own question of why you are always rude to the people you love the most.


Your grandmother had always struggled. She was a brave lady. But then one fine day, she lost her son and that broke her. She was completely shattered. You wanted to yell at the top of your voice. You wanted to talk to God. Why, why her? You wanted to comfort her. But you are ‘you’. You never did so.

She fell ill. She was living with your uncle. You never really bothered to go to meet her. Because you could not see her in that condition. You used to talk to her on the phone. You never had time to visit her. But once when you were working in your office you’d thought of visiting her. You met her, you talked to her very politely. You rushed to the loo to cry after seeing her. She became very weak. You knew what was coming…when she said in her grim voice that she was going, you told her jokingly that she had to play, massage & sing songs for your kids. Everyone laughed, she too laughed. You wanted to hug her tight, you wanted to comfort her and tell her that you really loved her but you could not. You all left, you heaved a sigh of relief that at least you had met her. You somehow managed to take time out from your new job and you knew that you would be very busy now.

You were in your office editing when your sister called you up to tell you that "grandmom is no more." You composed yourself and promised yourself that you would not cry. But when you told your boss what had happened you started sobbing and you kept saying that “you don’t like crying in front of anyone.” You took a metro to go to your uncle’s place. You turned red, your eyes were swollen, and you were looking sick. People were looking at you. But you cared for none. You met your sister half way. She too was crying. She was closest to her. You both reached there and you saw the body of your grandmother. You stopped crying. You went out looked up in the sky, yet again you requested God to just send her back for 10 minutes. You would say things you never said, gave her a hug which you always wanted to, tell her that you really loved her. You wanted to take care of her.

You sat beside her body and you were shaking sometimes her hands & sometimes her legs. You were tickling her body thinking that she might laugh, thinking that she might get up. You couldn’t believe it. Your sister had gone totally crazy. You were taking care of her too. This time you were taking care of everyone. You seemed strong.

When you thought that everyone’s asleep, you went into a room - you cried like a small baby, who has lost her doll. Final departure time of your granny had come.It was time for her last journey... She was looked like a goddess in a white saree with red roses. You stood in silence ignoring everyone. You stepped out and you realized your tears had dried out. You were just watching the ceremony lifelessly. There were bands playing music and a very grand seat for her because she died old. And she had seen her son’s son’s son. So she was going to heaven. You walked with your sisters bravely to the cremation ground. You saw her body dissolving into air, water, earth, fire, sky. You couldn’t cry any more.

You watched everything in silence. You came back home. You looked at her photograph. You said sorry to her and also expressed that you really loved her. You just wished to have expressed this when she was alive, that you loved her. She came into your dreams a couple of times. And you took care of her in your dreams. You were happy that she had not forgotten you in heaven.

Now, you often look up in the sky and you plainly tell her how much you love her.

Whenever you see an old lady, you jump to help her. It's been two years and you still miss your granny. You know that you will never feel her warmth again. You've realized it late. But at least, you have.

You have learnt one thing - express your love and say that you care. Tell a person a hundred times how much he/she means to you never pass a chance to do so now. You’re becoming a good girl. And your granny must be so proud of you.